The Day I Stopped Worrying About Having Children

"When are you guys going to have a baby?!"

"You guys would have the cutest babies, you have to do it!"

"You really want to have kids while you're still young enough to play with them!"

"You're never going to be 'ready'. There is never a good time. You just have to jump in and do it!"

That last one is probably my favorite. This is just a sampling of well meaning friends, family and perfect strangers unsolicited advice on family planning that I receive roughly three times daily from one source or another. It. Never. Ends.

If you are family or a close friend that has asked, pestered or badgered me about when we are having babies (MOM), I would just say that I love and adore you to the ends of the earth. And I will continue to do so even if you continue to hound me. But I kind of wish you wouldn't. Here is why...

I want children. With every fiber of my being I know that I am meant to be a mama. I occasionally get to hold a newborn infant at the OB/GYN clinic I work at and it literally makes my insides ache. I want one. Oh, I want one. Most recently I got to hold a three day old baby at a program I volunteer with that cares for children who have just been removed from their homes and are awaiting foster care placement. THREE DAYS OLD. I held her and cried and prayed for her and the uncertainty of her future. I also considered making a mad dash to Mexico with her and just starting a new life because NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY LOVE HER MORE THAN I DO. So yeah. I want kids.

My sweet husband isn't there yet. He just isn't. He will tell you he looks to our future and he sees children, definitely. But not yet. Not today. Not this year. Maybe not next.

A few things you should know about my husband: HE IS THE BEST OF ALL OF THE HUSBANDS. Okay, that's just one thing, but it's really the only thing you need to know. He loves me. My God, he loves me so well. He provides, protects, nurtures, and adores me. He is ever faithful and I never doubt his devotion to me. And that is why I am done nagging him for children.

I will truthfully just tell you that the last two weeks have probably been the hardest our 3.5 year marriage has faced. If you've been around either of us in those last two weeks you probably are surprised to hear that. We practice what Marshall and Lily from our favorite sitcom How I Met Your Mother call "The Pause." We completely shelf a spat to attend events with our friends and family only to come back and finish it later. Except we don't half-ass shelf it, but meanwhile make everyone uncomfortable with our awkwardness and snarky comments to one another. We really shelf it. And enjoy each other and everyone else. And then come back to it. It's something I recommend, but I digress.

So like I said, the last two weeks have sucked. It started because we had planned on ending birth control a couple weeks ago. And a few months before that. And then a few months before that, too. Brett wasn't ready either time before and nothing had changed this time. And then I lost my shit and I lost it hard.

"WE ARE THIRTY! I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE FOR WANTING A CHILD AT THIRTY! I AM NORMAL! YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE!"
(For the record, he never called me an asshole. I just really wanted him to know that I AM NOT ONE.)

 "DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT I AM THE ONE THAT HAS TO CARRY THE BABY AND THE OLDER I GET THE HARDER THAT IS ON ME?!"
(Of course he cares.)

"I AM NOT HAVING KIDS AFTER 35! I WORK IN AN OB/GYN OFFICE, I SEE THESE WOMEN AND WHAT A LOT OF THEM GO THROUGH AND I AM NOT DOING IT!"
(Turns out, maybe I AM an asshole.)

That's just a smattering of the arguments/insanity I hurled relentlessly for the last two weeks. Brett's replies were mostly, "I know", "I'm sorry", and "I don't know how to fix this short of having a baby right now and that isn't what I want. At all."

My husband wants more time with just me. He wants to move into the house we just bought in the coming month and enjoy time there with just the two of us. He wants to continue our life of leisure and ease and freedom a while longer. He wants to travel with me. He wants to play more. HOW DARE HE! Seriously though, these things all sound pretty great, right?

For the last year I felt my anxiety building slowly, steadily and then rapidly surrounding having a child. I turned thirty this year. Something about that number made me panic about having children. Something about that number made me panic about a lot of things. I put myself on a timeline and I was so behind! We hadn't bought a house or saved enough money or traveled enough or had a baby! What the hell was I doing with my life?! It's now or never, we do this now, we have a baby, or we don't. But I can't live in limbo waiting for the next phase of life to start! NOW OR NEVER! I became insane and obsessed.

So it came to a head. And we both said hard truths about how we were feeling on the subject. And we thought. And prayed. And fought. And then repeated the cycle. And then it got better. It got better when I took a really hard look inside at what was motivating this urgent demand for a child. It wasn't exactly flattering, but it's real and I share it in hopes that I am not alone and someone will read this and say, "Yes! Me too!"

I am so afraid of the unknown and regret and loss that I lost all of my faith and peace on the subject. My anxiety surrounding being an older mom, potential fertility issues, etc. had taken over and made me lose sight of what I know to be true: that I am meant to be a mother and it will be so. It will. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday. Maybe not biologically even. But some how, through some avenue, I will. And it will be beautiful. And in the interim I will enjoy this season of my life sans children. Mostly importantly, I will stop putting timelines and ultimatums and demands on my husband. Because he has done nothing wrong.

I will not let one more person, article, or statistic rob me of my joy and contentment with my life. I will not let fear and anxiety make decisions for me, especially decisions on a topic as important as children. I will not worry about whether we will be able to have biological children stress and concern me any longer. If we can't, we weren't meant to. We do know we are called to love and care for foster children. We'll do that regardless. And that will be more than enough. And I will get back to this business to loving and cherishing my husband, when it's easy and when it's hard. Like I vowed and swore before God and our family and friends. And so I would end by asking my family and friends to think before speaking on the subject matter. Not just to me, but to anyone. Ask yourself if what you are saying on the subject of children encourages unity or discourse in that person's marriage. Ask yourself if you know the person well enough to be having that intimate of a conversation. Because it IS an intimate conversation. And one I welcome with my close friends and family, but not strangers I am meeting for the first time. A good rule of thumb is that if someone isn't close enough to have disclosed to you that they miscarried, they probably aren't close enough for you to be nosing around their reproductive life.

And now I'm going to stop writing and go pour a glass of wine. Maybe I'll tend to my terribly neglected laundry, maybe I'll just sit with Brett on the couch and watch the skate video he just turned on and finish that whole bottle of wine and sleep in before taking off for the beach to go drink more wine and relax for the weekend because I don't have kids and I can do WHATEVER I WANT. Yeah, I'll probably do that. Because that won't last forever. But the laundry will.